Celebrity Rehab 3 is going to be a complete hot mess...

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OH. MAH. GAAAH. This is going to be a trrrraaaaainwreck, y'all. I thought the other seasons were messy; I thought Dr. Drew's Sex Rehab was a screech-fest, but THIS? Oh, Lawdie..this gon' be some bad shit up in here.

First of all? HEIDI FLEISS and TOM-EFFING-SIZEMORE?? Didn't he beat the crap out of her when they were living/drugging together? And now they will be in the same drug abuse facility?? Oh boy. 

And I thought we were DONE with that little bitch Kari Ann-GET ME MY JUICE-PeeshPeniche!! Ohmygosh, I wanted to slap some manners into her head during the Sex Rehab show. You know. She's the one who was in the "naked-not-sextape" with McSteamy and his now pregnant ex-Noxema Girl wife. Kari Ann was a major baby/bitch to the staff and other "residents" at the Pasadena facility and got her ass kicked the eff OUT.



I shoulda tried something like that at Casa Palmera, now that I think about it. Heh. I was waaaaay too polite...but I did teach myself how to lower my heart-rate just like Hannibal Lecter to throw them off. Those GD shrinks all up in my grill. Oh. Wait. What was I talking about? Sorry.

Silver Fox, Dr. Drew

 

via VH-1

The show will follow Mackenzie Phillips (One Day At A Time), Heidi Fleiss, Dennis Rodman, Mindy McCready (country music singer), Lisa D’Amato (America’s Next Top Model), Mike Starr (Alice in Chains), Kari Ann Peniche (ex-Miss United States Teen) Joey Kovar (Real World Hollywood), and Tom Sizemore.

So, um, yeah...I totally can't wait for the new "Rehab" to start. Just one more episode of "Sex Rehab", darn it. You know I love me some Dr. Drew!


 

NINE Premiere in New York - Someone's make-up artist is getting fired.

 The cast of NINE

 

 OhdearLord. Nicole Kidman

is gonna cut a bitch for this.

 

 I see Madonna has found the

Orange, and Lola raided Mummy's closet.

 

 The Dwarf Scarecrowlsen Twins

The New York Premiere for the film NINE looked like a complete hot mess the other night, but no one could really top Nicole Kidman's impression of Tony Montana with cocaine white powder all of her face. That make-up artist should probably go learn another trade...she will NEVER get another job, except maybe at Kohl's cosmetic counter. 

Fergie looked crabby and was without her cheetah hubby, Josh. Madonna showed up with daughter, Lourdes, who was clearly channeling Mum with that get-up. And since when does Madonna rock the Orange?? She's always had porcelain white skin! And the tiny bagladies who appear surgically attached at the hipbone shuffled into the Premiere, too.

All that said, I am DYING to see this film. DYING!!

 

Tiger Woods? If we know about 10 mistresses, there MUST be over 100! **UPDATE** Tiger didn't use condoms. WHAT???

How'd ya get that cut, Mr. Man?

So we're up to 10 and counting, y'all. Sigh. If you're taking notes--and I know you are--here you go: 

via Extratv.com

1. Cori Rist: The New Yorker got involved with the golfer after meeting him at a club in Manhattan, according to the New York Post. Says her ex husband's girlfriend on Rist and Woods' involvement, "I am not surprised at all."

2. Mindy Lawton: The 33-year-old pancake-house waitress claimed Woods dumped her in 2007 after National Enquirer cameras caught the pair having sex in his SUV outside her trailer in April 2007. "Tiger just used me as his sex toy," Lawton told a British tabloid over the weekend.

3. Jaimee Grubs: A 24-year-old Las Vegas-based cocktail waitress who told Us Weekly she had 20 sexual encounters with Woods in about three years. The golfer left her a voicemail urging her to delete her name from her cell phone's outgoing message because his wife Elin Nordegren had found out about their affair.

4. Rachel Uchitel: One of the golfer's pals paid for a plane ticket for the 33-year-old VIP club hostess to meet Woods at an Australian golf tournament last month. Woods allegedly paid her "at least a million dollars" to keep quiet about their affair, according to the daughter of Uchitel's lawyer.

5. Kalika Moquin: Her pals have told media outlets the 27-year-old Las Vegas-based club employee is no longer involved with the father of two.

6. Jamie Jungers: The 26-year-old -- who reportedly met Woods in Vegas -- worked for Trashy Girls, a lingerie line and entertainment agency.

7. Another VIP Club Hostess: An unnamed 26-year-old from Orlando, Fla. claims to have carried on a two-year affair with the married golfer. "The woman was 20 when Tiger approached her," her lawyer told the New York Post. Now a corporate employee, "she has not come forward... out of respect for Woods."

8. British TV Broadcaster: According to the London Sun, Woods would "hook up" with this woman while in England. "His fling... was the talk of the PGA," says the paper.

9. Older woman: British reports claim Woods also had dalliances with a "sex-addicted cougar," although not much is known about her yet.

10. Holly Sampson: According to the Sun, Woods was involved with this 36-year-old porn actress, who has starred in flicks such as "OMG, Stop Tickling Me" and "Flying Solo 2." She has neither confirmed nor denied the reports."

Great. Pretty soon we'll have the "Twelve Ho's of Tiger" to sing for the holidays. 

..."FIVE COCKTAIL WAITRESSESSSSSSSS!" 

**UPDATE**

This is just idiotic...but typical. According to US Magazine Cheetah Tiger Woods wasn't in favor of using comdoms. He didn't enjoy condoms, nor did he look forward to using condoms. (Those are phrases used in our family when we LOATHE or REFUSE to do one thing or another--thanks to Tim Gunn and my sweet friend, Kimberly!) Get a load of THIS crap:


"Jaimee Grubbs -- a 24-year-old cocktail waitress who broke the news to Us Weekly that she had a 31-month affair with Tiger Woods -- says the golfer, 33, never wanted to use protection.

Apparently, he also didn't use condoms while bedding 33-year-old restaurant manager Mindy Lawton, according to Lawton's sister, Lynn. "She said he never wore condoms," Lynn told British tabloid, News of the World. "I was so worried she might catch a disease, especially as we suspected he was promiscuous."



Experts tell Usmagazine.com that not only did Woods risk his own life, but also the lives of his wife, model Elin Nordegren, and their two children, Sam, 2, and Charlie, 10 months.

"It's self-destructive behavior," says psychotherapist Rhonda Findling, author of Don't Call That Man! "Sometimes it's just momentary stupidity, but this seems like sexual addiction."


Woods likely forgot about protecting himself because "the only thing he cared about at that moment was feeling good," says Findling."

How long before little Tiger CUBS start peeking their heads out?


 

Elin Woods jerked a knot in Tiger's tail.

The "perfect" couple.

Well, well, well. It was obvious to me that something stunk to high heavens about this whole Tiger Woods mess today. The main sticking point was the time it all transpired--2:20 a.m. Ain't nobody up to anything good at that hour when a woman is wielding a golf club while the Mister is tryna take off in his Escalade after (ALLEGEDLY) fighting about his (ALLEGED) cheating. Yikes.

Elin might look like a tiny little Swedish swimsuit model, but it sounds like she can smack a Tiger UP when confronted with evidence of cheatin'. Tiger was found on the ground after the accident with Elin "hovering over him". Apparently, he had scratches, lacerations and blood in his mouth.

via TMZ.com

"Tiger has yet to be formally interviewed by the Florida Highway Patrol -- that should happen this afternoon. But we're told Tiger had a conversation Friday -- with a non-law enforcement type -- detailing what went down before his Escalade hit a fire hydrant.

We're told he said his wife had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. The argument got heated and, according to our source, she scratched his face up. We're told it was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV -- but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.


We're told Woods became "distracted," thought the vehicle was stopped, and looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire hydrant and then hit a tree.

We're also told Woods had said during the conversation Friday he had been taking prescription pain medication for an injury, which could explain why he seemed somewhat out of it at the scene."

I'm very disappointed in Tiger. (And trying not to smirk about the irony of being chased by his wife with a golf club.)

Yes. It's yet ANOTHER Lindsay Lohan Post. WhatEVER.

 

Is that what I think I see peeking out?

 

LINDSAY!! Get your GD ass to rehab.

Right. This. Minute.

Hot. Fucking. Mess. This 23 year old young woman is going to die young. I hate to be the one to announce this sad story, but believe me, the writing is on the bathroom stall wall. Just look at her. Here's Drunk/Drugface at the prestigious Whitney Museum Gala last night. 

I don't think Lindsay looks coked-up here. I think she looks drunk and woozy. Is she swallowing Oxycontin now? Her crazy Pot-Calling-the-Kettle-Black father, Michael is blabbing to any media outlet that will print his words, thinks she needs to be back in rehab. Of course, he's stating the obvious, but Lindsay has already been to rehab, what THREE times? If she doesn't wanna go--it won't do a damn bit of good.

Lindsay is a runaway bullet train that hasn't wrecked--yet.

Oh, and ssshhhh...I love her pink coat.

Barf-Inducing (and STD-spreading) Couple (hook-up) Number 2 - Lindsay Lohan and Balthazar (BGet) Getty!

Lindsay...so fresh, so clean.

 

B.Get - total douche

 

If anyone is near this "couple"--if you can call them a couple--I think it's a hook-up, which  is entirely different, I'm sure you're flapping your arms around due to the gnats, flies, STDs and cocaine flying in your vicinity, yes?

Uh huh, that's right.

This hot mess of a two-some was seen "canoodling"  (Jaaayzus, I hate that word) at the hot new club, Voyeur over the weekend. Apparently, they left together. Getty is still married (not that it matters to Sienna Miller or Lindsay) and Lindsay is, well...LINDSAY. Both are into the drugs, inappropriate behavior and are MADE for each other! AWESOME.


Seriously, Falcon. I need that puke bowl.

Katy Perry Kissing Russell Brand and REALLY liked it...who WOULDN'T?

Hell, yeah!

Photo via EXTRA

I realize I haven't given any special time to this sweet, virginal couple--I wanted to see if it lasted even a weekend first. Apparently, it has. 

Katy Perry and Russell Brand hooked up at the MTV VMAs several weeks ago. Word is that they were making out all over the place at an after-party. (Who does that?) Here we are though, a good month or so afterward and they are still together. 

Now, what about Russell's clain that he beds three different women per day? Maybe Katy just puts on some of her retarded costumes from her tour, like the little banana get-up she sported awhile back.

Katy singing, "Like a Virgin" a while back.

I hope she saved this little outfit. 

Getty Images

I just don't know if Russell will remain true to our girl, do you? 

Oh, and just in case you didn't already know--Lindsay Lohan is a GENIUS.

This is the photo you'll find

next to the "genius" in the DICKtionary. 

Oh, Dina Lohan. Do you really think by saying crap like this that it makes up for neglected your kids? Because, it DOESN'T. Listen to the "Genius's" mom:

via Page Six:

"Furious Dina told Page Six yesterday: "I don't go -- like my ex -- on national television and make things up. He's estranged from Lindsay; he doesn't know what's going on in her life. Michael doesn't talk to her.

"I've had full custody (read: remissness) of all my children for the last 10 years. He has been incarcerated for some of that time, so whatever is going on in Lindsay's personal life is our business. And for him getting paid to say things about her when he's five months behind in child support is wrong."

When we asked if Lindsay does have addiction problems, Dina, who sounded tired and emotional, said, "I have no idea what he is talking about. I can't comment on everything my ex says." (Read: WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?)

Lindsay was also hurt by criticism of her debut Ungaro fashion line. Dina said, "The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius."

"Genius" behavior at its best.lind

Hold up. I needa catch my breath here. The last four words in the quote above nearly knocked the wind out of me. 

Jaaayzus wept.