Tiger Woods UPDATE. Oh, BROTHER!

I'd actually like to see Elin's muscle.

All together now, "You spin me right round, Baby, right round..."--because here comes The Spin According to Tiger regarding the hot mess that happened early Friday night. Tiger took to his Official Website to let us all know that it ain't no big thang.


"Tiger wrote, “As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore. (Oh. Uh-huh.)


This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.” ("Hello, Zales? This is Tiger Woods...)

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously (and like a wife who found out her man ALLEGEDLY hooked up with a 'ho) when she saw I was hurt (SNORT!) and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.” (Oh. Okaaay.)

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, (you're goddamn right it has!) our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.”

Tiger? Come ON.

Definition of Irony: Camilla scolds Lady Gaga and Beyonce for "loss of values". Hello, Pot! My name is Duchess Kettle!

Camilla and Charles

Oh yes. He will be mine.

Saint Diana (as far as I'm concerned...

You have got to be bloody kidding me. The Horseface  Duchess of Cornwall (Camilla Parker Bowles, the longtime mistress and now wife of Prince Charles) is blabbing about what bad examples young women have in pop stars, Lady Gaga and Beyonce.

via dailymail.co.uk

"She told an audience of women that  children thought they could get away with things because teachers failed to punish them. Referring to the images children are exposed to, the Duchess said: 'A lot of those videos are terrifying. I am sure they trigger a response in some of the young people. I can never understand how they can get away with making those things."

and


"Yesterday the Duchess made clear her concern that youngsters are already becoming immune to such images of sex and violence. She said schools needed to become involved in teaching both male and female schoolchildren 'the value of respect for each other'. 

During the discussions, the subject turned to a controversial video by pop singer Beyonce, who is particularly popular with young girls."

Let's refresh our memories, shall we?

All this crap is coming from the old gray mare woman who continued her affair with Prince Charles before, during and after Diana's marriage to the heir to the throne. Prince Charles even wore cuff links with intertwined C's on their wedding day. 

I'm not here to post a history lesson. I really just want to remind everyone that while Charles was still married to Diana, he gushed to Camilla that he wished he could "be her tampon".  I'd rather see Lady Gaga dressed as a tampon, thank you.

Know'msayn'?

  
Oh, sorry. I forgot you were eating a turkey sandwich.

TEAM DIANA FOREVAH!

Taylor Swift and Kanye West Reuniting on SNL?

Dumbass Kanye and Taylor Swift last month

on the VMAs

I really hope the rumors of Kanye West crashing Taylor Swift's hosting and performing appearance on SNL are false. I'm sure all the SNL writers think this would be super-funny, but ya know what? It's like rewarding a toddler with a cookie for setting his kitten on fire.

Kanye West will be the only winner in this situation--everyone will laugh a little and say, "Oh, Kanye!". I hope the mostly-male writers at SNL aren't bullying Taylor just for ratings.

Taylor--and her young female fans--derserve more than being reduced to a quick joke.

You mean the whole Balloon Boy (aka Puke Boy) thing was a HOAX? GASP!

Puke Boy, Falcon Heene

Photo NBC

I bought it--hook, line and sinker, AND SO DID YOU. Don't even lie, y'all. But the very second that Falcon told Wolf Blitzer, "...you guys said we did this for this show", the jig was UP. I could hear a collective, "Awww, HELL NAAAW!" throughout the universe. In fact, Wolf led the choir.

via CNN.com

"The "Aha!" moment (thank you, Oprah!) that led authorities to realize what had happened was an interview with the family Thursday night on CNN's "Larry King Live," Sheriff Jim Alderden of Larimer County said Sunday. In the interview with Wolf Blitzer, filling in for King, the Heenes asked their son why he had not come out from hiding when they called his name.

"You guys said we did this for the show," the boy responded.

On Sunday, Alderden called the incident a "hoax," adding that investigators believe the evidence indicates that "it was a publicity stunt" by the family in hopes of "better marketing themselves for a reality television show at some point in the future."

They are gonna put a bitch in jaaaaaail. Those parents are nutty!!

How long before we see t-shirts that say, "WE DID THIS FOR THE SHOW!"?

Why does the new Tinkerbell look like a boy--and what does Shiloh think of all this?

Awww HELL no.

I LOVED the old, classic Tinkerbell!! Who's this little dude with the skinny legs in tights? Looks more like The Jolly Green Nephew.

Some lame direct to DVD movie called, Tinkerbell and the Lost Treasure for Disney will be released on October 27th. What in the Shiloh Jolie-Pitt hell do the fancy executives think they're doing?  I like my Tinkerbell tightly wound, jealous and spiteful. Far more relatable, if you ask me.

A new Tink? No, Sir. I don't like it. 

Jon Gosselin empties joint bank account...oh, no he DITN'T!!

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

HELL to the no! That little bitch Jon Gosselin asswiped out over $230,000 from the joint bank account he has with Kate over the weekend. Now, in all fairness, he did leave Kate and his EIGHT MOUTHS TO FEED $1000. 

What's Kate bitching about? Oh, she'll fill you in. Watch the video. Oh, gurrrl.

David Letterman's Blackmailer is the ex-boyfriend of Stephanie Birkitt?? Awww HAIL Naww!!!

 They used to do it, and

 

they used to do it!!

You. Have GOT. To be KIDDING. ME!!!

That a-hole who tried to blackmail my (imaginary) boyfriend Dave is the ex-boyfriend of the chick Dave was sleeping with?? Oh, and yes! Stephanie Birkitt IS INDEED the one I was referring to yesterday (I just couldn't remember her name, because I didn't want to.) I effing KNEW it. I was jealous of her for a good reason it seems. I used to say, "gosh, I'd sure love to have her job as Dave's (ahem) assistant".) I just couldn't allow myself to think they were DOING it.

I wonder if I'm more jel-jel than Dave's wife, Regina. Hmmm. Probably not.

But I still love you, Dave. But not in a creepy way. For reals.

We interrupt this blog for Breaking News: Justin Timberlake MAY have dumped Jessica Biel for Rihanna

See how alarming this SPECIAL REPORT image is? I'm using the Justin Timberlake/Jessica Biel/Rihanna break-up and possible hook-up as an example of the news in Seattle this week.

Is there any real reason to interrupt "regularly scheduled programming" for THIS SPECIAL REPORT to advise us on...wait for it...

POSSIBLE RAIN IN SEATTLE?!? Oh, that's right, my dollies. I had to sit through our local weather man panting over the possibility of RAIN for the "drive home tonight". You have GOT to be kidding me.

I'll tell you where this little fit of rage originated. (I've been holding on to it  until today.) Just a few weeks ago we all re-lived September 11th by watching news footage of the horror of that day. So, I'm going about my business (I always have the TV on--CNN in this case), and they interrupt a story with the big scary announcement THIS. IS A SPECIAL. REPORT. 

"HOLY SHIT!! WHAT???? OHMYGOD, it's 9/11....WHAT???" was the voice in my head. (I hear her a lot...but she meant it this time.) "WHAT IS IT, MAN????"

Oh. It seems they "would like to bring you live coverage of President Obama's speech today on healthcare." 

Any. Other. DAY. I'd be fine with that, but never, EVER on 9/11. YOU GOT THAT, CNN?? Okay, I'm a little slow off the mark, I'll admit it. But I think you get my point.

So, yeah. Rihanna and Justin? Here's what I've heard:

 via Bossip:

"Apparently, Rihanna has been seen getting closer than close with Justin Timberlake, who she had a crush on years ago.  Justin is working with Rihanna on her next album has had major chemistry with Rihanna and even got a couple of lap dances from her in the studio according to a source.  The source says the two have been inseparable since the VMA’s where they got it in on the dance floor at a VMA after party:

“Rihanna and Justin have been talking and texting on the phone nonstop since the VMAs. She asked him on the phone, ‘Are you still with Jessica?’ And he hinted that things were cooling off between them.”

Justin was spotted going to Ri-Ri’s hotel room that night, which didn’t sit too well with Justin’s on again, off again girlfriend, Jessica Biel."

The moral of this story: Don't put up the SPECIAL REPORT graphic on 9/11 unless it's really serious; and don't interrupt me if it might rain IN SEATTLE--it's a GD given! 

(Now is the time we all sing, "you can stand under my um-ber-ella, ella, ella...)

That's what we call "full circle", my friends. 

Serena Williams? I got your back on this one. Repeat after me: SEXIST MEDIA

Let me get this straight. Women are not allowed to lose their temper on the tennis court, but it's accepted and even thought of as "cute" or "fierce" when a MAN does it? Oh, HELL no. Serena Williams has been made the athlete poster girl of bad behavior due to her outburst on the court, and frankly, I'm not having it.


With all the talk about "is civility dead" going on right now, I refuse to lump Serena Williams in with Kanye West or Ron Wilson. Totally. Different. Situations. I did a little research on the of the coyly nicknamed "Bad Boys" of tennis. Read for yourself. 

via ESPN

Re: John McEnroe

"McEnroe played with a competitive fire and a fierce determination, traits that the public adores. But he also constantly argued and put down umpires and linesmen for what he perceived as bad calls.

"I know I can see the ball better than the officials," he said. "I can 'feel' when a ball is out or not. What's so frustrating is to know you're right and not be able to do anything about it."


and Re: Jimmy Connors

"While tennis fans enjoyed Connors' gritty style and his never-say-die attitude, they often were shocked by his antics. His sometimes vulgar on-court behavior -- like giving the finger to a linesman after disagreeing with a call -- did not help his approval rating. During the early part of his career, Connors frequently argued with umpires, linesmen, the players union, Davis Cup officials and other players."

Connors even called a line judged "an abortion" during one outburst. Jesus H. Nice one.

and via TIME Magazine :

"Jimmy was taught to be a tiger on the court," says his tigress mother. "When he was young, if I had a shot I could hit down his throat, I did. And I'd say, 'See, Jimmy, even your mother will do that to you.' "

Sigh. Serena lives in the internet and full-blown media era, whereas these "boys" only had instant replay. I don't believe they were totally mic'd the way athletes are today. I found an excerpt of Serena's apology. I guess women just can't get as passionate about their game as the "Bad Boys". How many of you out there (women) have lost your temper during a game of soccer, tennis or basketball? 

Serena has been nothing but an admirable role-model to young women throughout her  entire tennis career. NOW she has to apologize in a public way that the Boys didn't have to back in the day:


"Last night everyone could truly see the passion I have for my job. Now that I have had time to gain my composure, I can see that while I don't agree with the unfair line call, in the heat of battle I let my passion and emotion get the better of me and as a result handled the situation poorly. I would like to thank my fans and supporters for understanding that I am human and I look forward to continuing the journey, both professionally and personally, with you all as I move forward and grow from this experience."

- Serena Williams 

I call bullshit. Sexism is alive and well in 2009.

I KNOW. It's too soon. It's in poor taste. I KNOW, okay??

Forgive me Readers, for I have sinned. 

I couldn't help it.

The Asshole (aka Kanye West) to appear on Jay Leno tonight?

 

No. Just NO.

Finally. A real opportunity for me to talk about Jay Leno. 'Round these parts (my bedroom), he's referred to as The Lowest Common Denominator of Comedy. I can't even begin to tell y'all how truly unfunny I find The Chin of Late Night (now he's on at the nursing home hour of 10:00 p.m.).
 

So. Jay thinks he's going to pull the same schtick he did with tranny and hooker-lover Hugh Grant all those years ago, but with a complete a-hole who humiliated at 19-year old Taylor Swift l last night on the MTV VMAs. (High pitched voice and wink: "What the hell were you thinking?" HAR HAR HAR.)

Stupid move, Jay. No one wants to hear this dumbshit speak in CAPS LOCK.

Chris Brown? SHUT the eff UP.

CHRIS BROWN TALKS TO LARRY KING
Uploaded by thatsfunny. - Check out other Film & TV videos.

Goddamnit. Guess what, y'all? Chris Brown doesn't remember a THING about beating Rihanna to a bloody pulp. What??

Does this a-hole really think wearing a baby blue sweater and a dorky bow-tie will make us think he's just a misunderstood young man? ("Like, wow.")

We will have a hair-lighting ceremony tonight during Larry King. God knows, my hair will be on fire.

Goddamnit, Chris Brown. *Update on A-Hole Behavior*

"Raise yer hand if ya beat yer woman!"

You know, I always say, after being sentenced for beating your girlfriend bloody, the best thing to do is hit the hottest club in L.A.--Guys and Dolls.
I just feel that laying low, being introspective and even humble is a mistake. Don't you?

Oh. I guess it's just me and that a-hole Chris Brown.

What a GD dumbass.

**UPDATE**

It seems the dumbass, Chris Brown could very well be in violation of his GD probation by even setting foot in the club, Guys and Dolls last night. He may get off on a technicality (read: Because he's an effing CELEBRITY) due to this wording in the court documents:

"The probation report states that Brown must "abstain from the use of all alcoholic beverages and stay out of places where they are the chief item of sale."

Brown was seen drinking a "clear liquid", but was he seen EATING? Again, if this had been you or me? We'd be in jaaaail.