Jennifer Lopez? WHAT the goddamnhell are you wearing?

JLo!! What the goddamnhell are you wearing here?

Check out girlfriend's rehearsal-wear for the AMAs on Sunday.

BLEH.

And, what is THIS crap? Oh, that's right. It's JENNIFER EFF-ING LOPEZ-crap. I remember when I sorta liked Jennifer Lopez, but that was circa 1999. If You Had My Love? Awesome. Waiting For Tonight? Great song for a Millenium party. See how old I am today, yet again??

Really, though? Am I the only one out here who thinks this song, Louboutins, is utter garbage? I just cannot believe how ghastly this song is...and the title is embarrassing and ghetto. "Jenny from the Goddamn Block", my big, fat Puerto Rican ass. (Okay, my big, fat Irish-French ass, whatEVER.) She's rubbing our noses in her shoe closet (peeee yooooo) AND tryna get free shoes while she's at it. Pssssh.


Jaaayzus, I'm cranky today.  

Who wants Megan Fox to suck the life out of them? Here's a little New York Times TIME waster!

Goddammit. I wasted 5 minutes and 47 seconds listening to the ever-vapid Megan Fox being "interviewed". I swear, now she's trying to be Shiloh Jolie-Pitt by coming up with some crap story of wanting to be called "Dorothy" as a child. I call bullshit. Shiloh started it by the entire world calling her "John" from Peter Pan, and Miss Fox knows this. She's copying a three year old's fantasy life!


Megan Fox goes on to say that women are the "hardest" on her. Awwwww. Are we? Oh, and we're supposed to feel sorry for her being cast as the "Mean Girl" because she's a brunette. I grew up in SoCal, and as a brunette I can tell you that in REAL LIFE, it's not the brunettes I worried about. (Okay, two of them were and they were sisters, but they don't count.) Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.


The worst part of this pseudo-artsy black and white clip (by famed photographer Lynn Hirschberg no less!) is just how truly DUMB Megan comes off looking. Between her babydoll voice, admitting that she puts "no thought" into permanently modifying her body (that God-awful Marilyn Monroe tattoo on her FOREARM) and her deep thoughts regarding (gag) cat hair, she needs to get down on her knees and thank someone for her career. (You can hear it from a mile away, can't you?)

She already did get down on her knees for her career. (Rimshot!)

Now who's the brunette Mean Girl, Megan?

Sorry. That was mean.

Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift and TAYLOR SWIFT!

"A little help here??"

Way to make the rest of the world feel like total losers...oh, OLD total losers. But good for you, Taylor.

Last night at the Country Music Awards Taylor won every. Single. Award. Thank you and goodnight!!  Okay, really now. Apparently there's a big, fancy award called The Splarkly Entertainer of the Universe Trophy and Taylor won that one, too--AND she was the youngest infant to ever achieve that award. SHE'S 19, PEOPLE!!  What else is there? Oh, sure...she can go on to write a Tony Award-winning Broadway musical that will colorfully illustrate what an asshole that Jonas Brother was and whom she continues to write about, and then that will be made into an Oscar-winning film a` la Coal Miner's Daughter, except that Taylor will write the screenplay and star in the movie. Jaaaayzus. 

Don't get me wrong--I'm totally Team Taylor (especially with regard to StupidKanye). I just sorta feel inadequate and loser-y when I see someone as talented and goddamn likeable as Taylor Swift achieving so much at such an early age. 

Who's with me? I know Wynonna Judd is! Get a load if this!

The (gulp) JUDDS

It's been said before, but I swear:

Elvis is ALIVE and orange. And BITCHY.

via USWeekly:


"You want my honest comment? It’s too much too soon. Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once. It’s just too much of a good thing too soon."

Judd continued, "My thing is, being a home-school mom, I want kids to earn it, and I think some time ... 'cause mom and I rode in a car for the first year of our career to visit radio stations. There was a making of the star, there was a rising up, and the fans went with us. Now it’s over coffee breaks, the success, almost. You have to play catch up ... It's like the girl who wins an Oscar and she's under 20. What do you do from here?"

C'mon girl, put down those Alli Diet Pills and lets go get some pancakes! We'll all feel better.




 

Miley Cyrus in "Sex and the City 2" - Is it just me?

Kim Cattrall and Miley Cyrus

mugging for the new SATC2 movie

It's Monday, it's Miley, and that means I'm wearing my Judgey McJuderson robe. Babygirl is 16, if you need reminding. Then we have the over-50 Kim Cattrall (as Samantha). See, they were filming a scene where Miley and Samantha show up to an event (gasp!) wearing identical outfits.

Who (Patricia Fields, I'm talkin' ya!) thought it would be "cute" for Miley to wear a submissive  dog collar with spikes, a teeny sequined dress, long black gloves and boots? Somehow I doubt Taylor Swift would have done that, but again, she's not in a movie for dried up biddies who keep their fantasies of youth and beauty alive by living vicariously through these bitches.

I can't wait to see it!!! (Define irony.)

Megan Fox + her movie "Jennifer's Body" = One big fat BOMB.

Karma's a bitch, Megan--and so are you.

I know a lot of fanboys are in what basement dwellers describe as "love" with Megan Fox, but it seems no one else is after the weekend numbers for Jennifer's Body have been tallied.

The whole idea for this movie is puzzling to me--mean chicks in high school (already lived through that, thanks), boyfriend stealing/killing/eating(?) and two hot chicks making out. The latter seems lukewarm at best, because who needs to shell out the $15 to go to the theater (I still want candy, y'all) just to see tame girl on girl action? 

I'll say it again: Megan Fox should just do porn and do us all a personal favor. She'd make a shitload of money for doing what she probably does best, the public would get what they really want from this crazy bitch and everyone would be happy.

It's called WIN-WIN, people.

Kanye the Asshole Half-Asses an Apology to Taylor Swift, Then Removes It.

 

What?

I really have been trying to clean up my dirty mouth the past couple of months. Quite noble of me, yes? Well. That all went down the toilet last night after witnessing the biggest fucking asshole the recording industry has ever seen.

We've all seen the footage (shown below) of that little bitch Kanye West steal a wonderful moment of winning an MTV Video Music Award from Taylor Swift. (My hair is still on fire, by the way, and it smells awful.)

Here's The Asshole's half-ass apology on his CAPS LOCK BLOG. He apparently has since taken it down.

I'd love to hear your feelings on this piece of shit. I think you already know mine.

Katherine Heigl and Hubby Adopting Baby Girl

Mommy? Bleh.

I know it's kind of the cool thing to hate on Heigl. Just call me "Coolia" because I'm on board with the haterade. There are celebrities who genuinely seem like-able and appear to be good people (read: Paltrow, Sean Penn, Terrence Howard,  Roseanne Barr, Kristen Stewart, Tom Sizemore...Jaaayzus, I'm hella funny!). You get my point. Katherine Heigl just seems to have a terminal case of The Bitchface, so it's only appropriate that she's going to adopt a baaaybeee now.

"A source says they have been going through the adoption process for around 6-months and plan to have everything sorted out by this week. The baby girl's name is Nayleigh and Katherine plans to call her Leigh."

Apparently the baby girl has special needs. I'll say. She's going to be in great need of a soothing, tender mother once she unpacks her own little suitcase and climbs into her crib with a bottle of ashtray water.

I'll take baby Leigh off Snagl's hands. 

2009 Daytime Emmy Awardzzzzzzzzzz

"I'D LIKE TO THANK MEEEE!!"

The only cute ones there, Portia and Ellen.

Tyra, threatening with her eyes,
instead of smiling with them.

I know, the Daytime Emmy Awards are a bit of the red-headed step-child of awards shows. I really don't care about them, but having seen these pictures of Tyra (in two different dresses, of course. That copper Cavalli get-up is a bit much, don't you think?) Ty-ranny (can be pronounced two ways!) actually won, too, for (gulp) Outstanding Talk Show. Really? Here's what the self-proclaimed "Lightbulb Head" had to say about her show:

"You've got to move and I've totally redone my show from skin and guts — how it looks, feels all the way down to content, because of the changing generation," Banks said.

I take that statement to mean if anyone disagrees with her ass, their ass is OUT.

ANYshrug. Here's the list of winners (aka: people I've never heard of in my entire life):

DRAMA SERIES
"The Bold and the Beautiful"

ACTOR
Christian LeBlanc, "Young and the Restless"

ACTRESS
Susan Haskell, "One Life to Live"

SUPPORTING ACTOR
(Tie)
Jeff Branson, "Guiding Light"
Vincent Irizarry, "All My Children"

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Tamara Braun, "Days of Our Lives"

YOUNGER ACTOR
Darin Brooks, "Days of Our Lives"

YOUNGER ACTRESS
Julie Berman, "General Hospital"

DAYTIME DRAMA DIRECTING
"One Life to Live"

DAYTIME DRAMA WRITING
"General Hospital"

TALK SHOW (INFORMATIVE) Ummm...I don't even have a comeback.
"The Tyra Banks Show"

TALK SHOW (ENTERTAINMENT)
"Rachael Ray" Wait. It should read: RACHAEL RAY, Bitches ! ! ! Pain. In. My. Left. Eye.

TALK SHOW HOST
Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Whoopi Goldberg, Sherri Shepherd, Barbara Walters, "The View" Jaaaayzus. Those screeching hens won??

GAME SHOW
"Cash Cab" OH! That's a cool show.

GAME SHOW HOST
Meredith Vieira, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"

MORNING PROGRAM
"Good Morning America"

Yawwwwwnnnn.