Happy Birthday, Tiger Woods, y'all.

Ugh.

Hey! Tiger Woods! It's your birthday! Here is my little gift to you:

It's all OVER the internet that what happened Thanksgiving night was a bit more than what we've all been told. After seeing texts from one of Tiger's hoes on his phone, it seems Elin took a 9 iron to Tiger's face, leaving a huge gash on his cheekbone and almost knocking out those two enormous front Chicklets.  That would explain Tiger's resistance in speaking with the authorities. 

via TheExaminer.com 

"...between 11:30 pm – midnight, Elin confronted him about the message she found on his phone. It is also reported that she found photos on the cell phone.

Elin asked Tiger to come clean but he denied everything and told her she was reading “too much into it.” When he turned to face the television at one point thereafter, Elin apparently hit him with a 9 iron on the right side of his face, creating a huge gash and almost taking out two of his upper teeth.

Additionally, a bone was broken on the upper right side of Tiger’s face.
Tiger, shoeless, ran out of the house with Elin swinging the club behind him. She used the club to knock out the windows of the SUV, and from this point, the "cubs" began to emerge from Tiger's lair, one by one.

Bisher also reported that Elin panicked and called Mark Steinberg, Tiger’s agent, for advice on what to say. This accounts for the two different versions given by Elin.

Tiger was taken to the hospital where he was patched up but was told by the doctors he needed plastic surgery. They recommended a cosmetic dentist and a plastic surgeon in Phoenix."

Phoenix? That's handy. Isn't that where the posh rehab facility is that I wrote about yesterday?

So yeah. Happy Birthday, Eldrick Tont Woods. 

Jake and Reese - The Break-Up. Why is anyone SURPRISED?

Oh, Jakey.

If I find out any ANY ONE of you are surprised about the "break-up", I'll be very disappointed in you.

Reese was so over being The Facial Hair.

But you didn't hear that from me. 

Tiger Woods' doctor also treated A-Rod and Madonna... HGH rumors are swirlin'!

 Nice guns, Tiger

 

Ewwwww.

Speaking of steroids, it seems Canadian physician Dr. Anthony Galea treated Madonna, A-Rod (hmmmm) as well as Tiger Woods, y'all.

via NYDailyNews.com

"The Daily News has learned that the Buffalo office of the FBI is investigating Galea, along with Canadian authorities.

Galea flew to Woods' Windermere, Fla., home to treat the golfer earlier this year with his platelet-rich plasma injection therapy, also known as "blood spinning."

Galea has attracted a mystique in sports medicine circles for his advocacy of the process, which involves spinning blood in a centrifuge and reinjecting it into injured joints in the hope of accelerating healing.

A Royal Canadian Mounted Police spokesman said charges against Galea are expected to be filed on Friday in a Toronto courtroom, and while an attorney for Galea told the Daily News that his client is innocent of any wrongdoing, U.S. law-enforcement officials said that Galea is "definitely on our radar."

Holy crap. When it rains, it pours, huh?

 

Tiger Woods seriously injured in car crash...**UPDATE - Tiger has been released from hospital**

Uh-oh.

Wow. This is weird. Tiger Woods was hurt in a very strange car accident early this morning. He was backing out of his own driveway at 2:25 in the a.m. Hmmmmm. Read on.


via The Orlando Sentinal:


"Professional golfer Tiger Woods was seriously injured in a car accident early this morning, the Florida Highway Patrol just reported.

Woods, 33, pulled out of his driveway in the Isleworth community about 2:25 a.m. when he struck a fire hydrant, and then drove into a tree at his neighbor's property, FHP reported.

Woods was transported to Health Central Hospital in Ocoee in serious condition, FHP said. No other information about his condition has been released.

A Health Central hospital employee said at 2:30 p.m. that Woods was not a patient. A hospital operator would not say if Woods had been treated and released."


FHP said the airbags in Woods' Cadillac Escalade did not deploy, which means the vehicle was traveling under 33 mph.

Orange County Fire Rescue received the call for aid at 2:28 a.m. Woods was transported from his Windermere-area neighborhood by the hospital's own ambulance."

Ummm, I'm tryna figure out how one can be "seriously injured" by backing into a fire hydrant and a tree at under 33 mph. Can someone help me out with this?

Oh, and here's some more strangeness--I'm hearing all kinds of rumors about Tiger cheating on his wife, Elin with some old blonde named Rachel Uchitel. When oh when will these GD athletes just keep it zipped??

I'm finding the news of Tiger's car accident and this bit of crap NON-coincidental in terms of timing. 

**UPDATE: Tiger has been released from the hospital...but I tell ya what; the trouble has only just begun. Mark my words, y'all.


Authorities are saying alcohol was "not a factor", but charges may be brought. Wow.

Christian Bale: "American Psycho's Patrick Bateman is based on Tom Cruise"!!

 Naked With a Chainsaw, Patrick Bateman

 

Tom Cruise, returning some videotapes

Hang on a sec...I'm still belly laughing. Can't. Stop. Laughing...

Okay. Talk about good timing. Since American Psycho was my Recommened Movie of the Weekend a few days ago, I'm REALLY loving this quote from director Mary Harron:

via BlackBook Magazine:

"Mary Harron, the director of American Psycho, told BlackBook Magazine about how she developed the character of Patrick Bateman with Christian Bale,

"It was definitely a process. We talked a lot, but he was in L.A. and I was in New York. We didn’t actually meet in person a lot, just talked on the phone. We talked about how Martian-like Patrick Bateman was, how he was looking at the world like somebody from another planet, watching what people did and trying to work out the right way to behave. And then one day he called me and he had been watching Tom Cruise on David Letterman, and he just had this very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes, and he was really taken with this energy." 

I'm just hugging myself right now. But wait. It gets even better. Remember Bronson Pinchot? Balki from Perfect Strangers? He had some hilarious shit to say about Cruisey (and some other celebrities--Bette Midler, Eddie Murphy--but right now we're talking smack about Xenu-Boy, mmkay?).

'member Balki??

I love him now.

 

Bronson said, "We thought Tom [Cruise] was the biggest bore on the face of the Earth. He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, 'You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?' I mean, his lingo was larded with the most… There was no basis for it. It was like, 'It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.' 

Very, very strange. Years and years later when people started to torment him with that, I used to think 'God, that’s really fitting, because he tormented a lot of people as a 20-year-old.' He made such a big deal about it."

WHAT the goddamnhell does "'You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?' even mean??

Now, Bronson was in one of my other favorite Recommended Movie of the Weekend, True Romance. so he's known for more than just being Balki. Here's what I LOVE about this whole thing: Someone has the guts to tell it like it is, rather than cowering in fear.

Bronson? I salute you!! 

Oh, Alanis Morrisette. Why?

If that's a toilet, I'm gonna be pissed off.

Wait. I already am.

In my best Nancy Kerrigan whine, WHYYYYYY? Is this what it's come to? Again?

Back in the day, Alanis Morissette never pandered to her audience by dressing like a poptart. But now, all of a sudden, she's hit 35 and feels the need to pull a Madonna on us with the typical hooker boots and open legs photos. Yeah. Awesome. 

I've always just sort of liked Alanis, but I loved Hands Clean, which is another song allegedly about the dude from Full House. They had a relationship while Alanis was 14 and he was 29. They were both living in Canada, where this would be a criii-immme (as she sings in Hands Clean.)

Well, gee. Now I feel guilty for liking this song. It does prove what an asshole Uncle Joey is, just like in You Oughta Know, every chick's favorite "angry song".

Maybe Alanis really does feel like all she's worth is her "outside". Sigh.

Khloe Kardashian's Wedding Dress and Other Crap

Vera Wang's Big "n Tall Collection

"Baby, could you gimme a tranny-back ride?

I'm too f^&king drunk!"

Photos via TMZ.com

Here's what y'all have been lookin' for...The Dress. Khloe's big, giant Vera Wang wedding dress.

For the life of me, I cannot understand  the crazy interest in this chick's wedding. Her claim to fame (i.e. resume) is that her dad was a very accomplished attorney in L.A. (he was part of the OJ Defense Team back when he was on trail for damn-near decapitating his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend, Ron Goldman); Khloe's step-dad is plastic surgery enthusiast and oh yeah, Olympic Gold Medalist, Bruce Jenner; sister Kim is really the reason this family are pseudo-celebrities due to her sex-tape with an D-list rapper, Ray J. (Are you taking notes??) Naturally, E! gave them their own reality show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, produced by none other than Ryan Gaycrest Seacrest.

I found this little piece on Khloe at AskMen.com:

"Khloe Kardashian, aka Baby K, is the youngest and most statuesque of the Kardashian sisters. Familiar to the fanatic faithful who watch her regularly on Keeping Up with  the Kardashians, she's now a headliner on the new spin-off series Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. When she's not living the celebrity life for the viewing masses, she's working on the radio, selling fashion items through her store chain and taking her clothes off in the name of stopping animal cruelty. There's also the small matter of a quickie marriage to Lamar Odom that has gotten her a mountain of attention. " 

Let's not forget Khloe's DUI a couple of years ago. She checked that item off of the How to be a Dumbass Celeb and Get Your Name in the Tabloids list. Nicely done.

Khloe and Kim's sister, Kourtney is pregnant and all over the tabloids...for no. Good. Reason...other than the idiotic celebrity qualifications I've so beautifully outlined.

Ugh. Nice way to start a Monday morning. My head hurts already.

Blind Item of the Day - Pass the Coke Edition! (Times 3!!)

 

So, a reality star, a designer and an actress walk into a bar. No, not into a bar actually, but it sounds much better that way. They actually just walked backstage at a show. The female reality star who has a huge history of drug problems did some coke and passed it around. The designer who was just about to show their collection, did four lines back to back to back to back, and then passed it along to our C list television actress with B list name recognition on a VERY hit show. Our actress spilled a little on her dress and when trying to brush it off, rubbed it in so took off her dress and stood there naked while she did some lines on a make up table. She then put back on the dress and joined the reality star back out front.

#1 - Reality star
#2 - Designer
#3 - Actress

via CDaN

Holy crap. I saw a bunch of questionable people together (in photos) and I have an idea who the designer could be. He didn't used to be so thin and handsome.

Asshole Kanye turns into a whiney crybaby on Leno

Shut up, you big pussy.

Why didn't Leno have Taylor Swift on tonight instead? (I know, she'll be in New York instead for The View tomorrow. I'm sure Whoopi will be gracious and sympathetic toward her, but I am not sure about Sherri Shephard. She didn't have one negative word to say about Kanye's behavior, but she sure did about Joe Wilson's outburst last week during the President's speech to Congress. I'm just sayin'.)

ANYbitch. In typical man-bitch style, Kanye goes from bully to pussy in just a matter of hours. Effing crybaby.

Oh, and President Obama called Kanye a "jackass". I love it.

Hold on to your effing hat--the Olsen Twins are SMILING.

 

Oh happy day!!

[photo by Patrick McMullan]

I haven't seen smiles THIS BIG on Trollsen Twins since their Full House days. I know, "how roooood". 

Check these two out at Bergdorf Goodman for Fashion’s Night Out on Thursday night. I wonder if there were little clear packets and prescription meds being passed around, too? 

Okay. That was just plain mean.

But seriously. Were they passing out party favors?